


When you drop out and then drop

by EtoileGarden



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: A lot of hugs, Communication, Early Relationship, M/M, angst in a tsp, comfort in a tbs, post trk, pre CDTH
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:07:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22417489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EtoileGarden/pseuds/EtoileGarden
Summary: The problem with dropping out of school and not being around Gansey and Adam at all possible times was that it left Ronan with only himself to remind him that his friends liked him, and therefore he often forgot to do those reminders, which in turn led to this.Ronan still wasn’t sure what this was.
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 22
Kudos: 398





	When you drop out and then drop

One of the problems with dropping out of school while all your friends and your boyfriend carried on going, was this very irritating, constantly niggling fear that while they were away for hours on end, together, without him, they would come to the realisation that they were definitely, absolutely, much better off without him. 

This problem was a nice little mix of jealousy, anxiety, and dregs of self loathing, and when it was left to ferment in the humid isolation of the Barns, it tended to get quite big. 

Which wasn’t to say that Ronan really believed that Gansey, and Blue, (and apparently fucking Cheng), and Adam would… would ditch him, or forget about him. But. When everyone else had exams looming threateningly, and Ronan had talked to no one but the cows for three days straight, it did seem a little bit more believable. 

This - cloying and uncomfortable fear sitting right underneath his esophagus - was what he was blaming his asshole attitude on. 

-

Adam had arrived, with no warning, pulling up into the Barns’ driveway with the Hondayota heaving out a sigh of strangled relief at no longer having to suspend belief enough to work. Ronan, with no forewarning that he ought to put his grumpy jealousy and lonesomeness away, was caught off guard, too startled to change moods, too stubborn to pretend otherwise. 

Possibly Adam had been approaching him initially for a kiss, stepping around the kitchen table where Ronan was slumped over a bowl of cereal, but, at Ronan’s grimace, he had paused warily by the corner instead, arms folding neatly. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Ronan gritted out, his arms following Adam’s lead and immediately barricading themselves across his chest. “Aren’t you supposed to be jerking university entrance’s off?” 

“That doesn’t even make sense,” Adam replied, a little curt, but not as harsh as Ronan was. “I’m taking a break.” 

“Taking a break to murder your car,” Ronan snorted, very unamused with himself. “It sounds like hell. Aren’t you meant to be a mechanic?” 

Adam also appeared unamused. “I hadn’t heard from you for a couple of days,” he said, wisely changing the subject. “Thought you might be dead.” 

Ronan scoffed, regretted, immensely what he said next. “Like you’d give a fuck,” he said scathingly. 

Adam’s expression didn’t drop so much as fade away. He hadn’t looked exactly pleased to begin with, but now he looked concrete. 

“Right,” he said. 

Ronan, ever so desperately wanted to backpedal. 

“So,” he said, very much  _ not _ on the back pedal. “You can cross off checking up on me off your stupidly long list of obligations, inform Gansey I’m still kicking, and fuck off.” 

If Adam fucked off, Ronan was going to be very upset. With himself. Adam really  _ ought _ to fuck off, definitely should respect himself enough not to hang around Ronan’s vitriol. 

Adam’s face remained concretey. 

Ronan managed to not say anything else, which was good, because he’d already thoroughly shat the bed, and he wasn’t sure he’d be able to clean anything else up as well. He might not even be able to save the bed if he didn’t wrench his personality upwards sometime soon. 

His stomach was a pit of regret, and horror, and a little bit of surprise at how stubborn his stupidity was when it came to digging holes and staying down in them. It felt like the words he knew he needed to use were glued to his throat, so he could feel them as painful lumps but he couldn’t let them out. 

Fuck. 

“Right,” Adam said, after a few decidedly uncomfortable moments passed in silence between them. “Fine. I’ll leave you to your shitty mood, because, you’re right, I do have a list of shit I need to do, and I’m not going to waste my time babysitting a shit head in a tantrum.” 

If Ronan could unstick himself here, he could probably save this. Adam would want an apology. An explanation. Contrition. He had contrition in spade fills, but he wasn’t sure how to get it the fuck out right now. 

The problem with dropping out of school and staying home to run a farm by yourself was that you didn’t need to explain yourself to cattle or dirt, and maybe Ronan wasn’t good at human interaction when he’d starved himself of it for a while. 

Adam was leaving. He’d already gone through the kitchen door. Ronan could hear him in the hall, pausing to put his shoes on. The front door opened, slammed shut. Ronan’s stomach churned in a turmoil of his own fucking making. The Hondayota roared outside. 

  
  


-

The problem with dropping out of school and not being around Gansey and Adam at all possible times was that it left Ronan with only himself to remind him that his friends liked him, and therefore he often forgot to do those reminders, which in turn led to this. 

Ronan still wasn’t sure what this was. 

Well. It was him being an asshole, sure, an insecure piece of shit asshole, but - 

Usually when he was an asshole he at least said things he mostly wanted to say. Not this shit. 

The Hondayota was still screaming in the driveway. 

Ronan also felt like screaming. 

Adam hadn’t left yet. He could still go out there and try and make things better. It was just. 

The longer he sat there, not moving, listening to the engine sputter and scratch outside, the worse it felt. He was going to look like a coward, going out now. He was going to look like an idiot. His bones may as well have been fused into the chair.

The noise outside stopped. Either the car had finally given up, or Adam had. 

He should go outside and help. Maybe if he went out there and did something useful, this could all be forgotten like a stupid blip in Ronan’s emotions. 

Every part of him except for the exact brain cells needed to instruct his body to move wanted to get up and go out and apologise. 

-

He was still sitting there, cereal getting soggier and soggier in front of him, when Adam came back in.

  
  


“Okay,” Adam said, pulled a chair out opposite Ronan across the table and sat down. “Apparently I’m not leaving right now.” 

Ronan nodded a little. Adam didn’t sound pissed off. Not exasperated. Not even concrete and cold anymore. A little tired. Firm. 

“Something has obviously crawled up your ass and died,” Adam continued, “and I’m not going to guess what it is. You need to tell me if you have a problem, because I”m not a Goddamned mind reader.” 

That was fair. Ronan nodded again. Kept his gaze very firmly fixed on his milk sodden cheerios. 

Adam waited for a few moments. Ronan didn’t say anything because he didn’t trust himself to say anything he wanted to say, didn’t trust himself to be able to stay steady. 

“Right,” Adam said. Sighed. “Okay. I’m going to be outside trying to fix my piece of junk. I’m not leaving until we talk.” 

Ronan nodded. 

Adam left again. 

-

It took Ronan maybe another ten minutes to work up the will power to move away from his abandoned breakfast. He didn’t know what he could say to explain himself right now, didn’t know exactly what was wrong with him. Just knew it hurt to think that his actions were hurting Adam. 

He was still in his pajama pants, no shirt. Shoved his sockless feet into his gumboots at the doorway, and made his way slowly out to where Adam was leaning into the hood of his car. 

He was pleased that Adam didn’t pull himself upright to watch Ronan make his way over, pleased that Adam continued to fiddle with various oily pieces of car even as Ronan reached his side. 

There was nothing in his mouth ready for him to say. His brain was blank. His body prickled with the anxiety of it all. Adam glanced up at him, all furrowed brow and questions. Ronan evaded his gaze, kicked at the gravel in the drive. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, a little hoarse. “Sorry.” 

Adam didn’t say anything yet, just ducked his head so he could look up at Ronan’s still downturned face. 

Ronan had nothing else he could say right now, even if he ought to, it just wasn’t making its way to his communication centers. Instead, he leaned forwards a little, cautious, until Adam turned fully away from the car and held himself open for Ronan to press up against him, face immediately dropping to hide in Adam’s neck, hands going to Adam’s hips, holding on tight. 

Adam sighed again, but his arms wrapped comfortingly around Ronan, one hand sliding up his back to rest on his nape. Let Ronan hold on for a few moments in silence. 

“Lynch,” Adam said lowly. “Are you okay?” 

Ronan wasn’t entirely sure how to answer that. He was physically fine. He shook his head, closed his eyes as Adam’s arms tightened further around him. 

It was hard to know how long they stood like that, holding on tightly, the physical touch reassuring Ronan at the very least that _ they were okay _ , that he wasn’t actually alone and abandoned and unwanted. Long enough that when Ronan opened his eyes again, the sunlight shocked them. Long enough that Adam had begun absentmindedly rocking the two of them. Long enough that Ronan’s knees ached from being just that little bit bent down to get to rest his head on Adam’s shoulder. 

“Did you find out what’s wrong with the shitbox?” Ronan mumbled, straightening up and rubbing at the corners of his eyes with the heels of his hands. 

Adam kept his hands on Ronan’s waist, shook his head. “Not yet,” he said. “If you hadn’t noticed, I’ve been occupied.” 

“Sorry,” Ronan said. 

“You’ve already said that,” Adam pointed out, “it’s not what I want to hear, you know.” 

Ronan nodded. 

“Let’s go sit,” Adam suggested. “If you feel more like talking?” 

Ronan wasn’t sure he felt more like talking but he was entirely sure he felt like sitting next to Adam, their sides pressed together, heat melding them together. He nodded. 

Adam took his hand, squeezed it lightly, a little slick with car grease, a little rough with calluses, lead the way over to the front deck, sat them down on the steps, let Ronan lean in against his side, wrapped his arm around Ronan’s shoulders. 

Ronan was so - so - fucking glad that Adam was willing, not just willing,  _ liked _ physical affection as much as him. Ronan needed it like - like - like water. Words and spoken affection were hard for both of them sometimes, but this made everything easier. Made Ronan feel grounded. Known. Fucking loved. 

“Okay,” Adam prompted, after they’d sat in silence for long enough that Adam had apparently deduced Ronan wasn’t going to start this conversation off. “Wanna tell me why you’re pissed off at me?” 

“I’m not,” Ronan grunted. Cleared his throat. “Not at you.” 

“Okay,” Adam said. “Who?” 

“Not -” Ronan cut himself off with another grunt. “It’s not - fuck.” Adam’s arm tightened around his shoulders. “I’m just pissed off.” 

“That’s not new,” Adam pointed out lightly. 

Annoyingly, Ronan could feel tears prickling in the corners of his eyes. He blinked them away hard, stared at his gumbooted feet. 

“I want to be here,” he said roughly to the dirt on the toes of his boots. “I don’t feel right  _ not _ being here, but I - I don’t - it’s not. Ugh.” 

Adam was silent for a few moments, giving Ronan space to carry on if he felt like it. Ronan didn’t feel like it. 

“And we’re all in town,” Adam finished up for him. “You’re lonely.” 

Ronan wasn’t fucking lonely. He didn’t get lonely. He loved being alone. He - 

He wasn’t kidding anybody. He sniffed. 

“Why didn’t you come in?” Adam asked now, voice lower, “Or call?” 

Ronan cleared his throat. Stomped one foot on the step to shake some of the dried dirt off. 

“You’re all busy.” He said brusquely. “And have your own - your own shit together. I don’t wanna. Fuck. Y’know.” 

Adam took another second, processing. 

“Lynch,” he said, turned his face slightly so he could press his lips to the crown of Ronan’s head. “You’re not - Lynch. You’re part of our together. There isn’t a together without you.” 

Ronan didn’t have anything coherent to say to that, so he didn’t say anything. 

“When you’re out here,” Adam said slowly, “we all miss you too. I miss you. A lot. All the time.” 

Ronan cleared his throat again. 

“I’m used to being lonely,” Adam said, quiet, “I didn’t think about it. So I’m sorry. I should have checked in on you earlier.” 

“I’m not -” Ronan gritted out, “I’m not a kid. You don’t need to check on me.” 

“You’re not a kid,” Adam agreed, “you’re my boyfriend. Who I care about. And who I want to be happy. And not lonely.” 

Ronan of… a few months ago maybe, might have said something very stupid here, or sarcastic. Anything to change the subject, lighten the mood, push Adam away. Ronan right now knew he only had so many chances in life, and he wasn’t willing to keep wasting them on pushing away people he wanted holding him. 

“I know it’s fucking stupid,” Ronan mumbled, ears flushing even though he knew he wanted to say this. “But it’s - I don’t want to be in your way.” 

“I get it,” Adam said, “and it is stupid. You texting me, or calling me, or coming to see me? That’s shit I want. I want you here. Around me. You’re not in my way.” 

Adam sounded a little stilted too, and Ronan was pleased that both of them found it hard to talk about… shit. 

“What if you find - what if - you’re gonna -” 

What he was trying to formulate into a coherent sentence, was his fear that Adam was going to be away from Ronan a lot, whether he wanted it or not, and maybe, while he was away, he would realise that he did want to be away, because he’d find better people. A better person maybe. 

“Nah,” Adam said, “nah. I want you, Ronan. Fuck. I’m always gonna want you.” 

Ronan’s chest felt tight, a little bit like grief a little bit like a tight, tight hug. He tipped his head further down on Adam’s shoulder, exhaled hard. 

“Being away from you doesn’t make me like you less,” Adam continued, “It - shit - it makes me - I think about you so much. I really wanted to see you.” 

“Sorry,” Ronan mumbled. He’d kind of fucked that up earlier. 

“I don’t call you much,” Adam said, slow, “because I thought you didn’t like it. But if you do, I’ll call more. I’ll come over more.” 

“Mhm,” Ronan mumbled, chest still far too tight. He nodded against Adam’s neck. 

Adam kissed his head again. 

“How long can you stay?” Ronan asked, voice squashed against Adam’s skin. 

“I’m off tomorrow,” Adam said, “I can stay until lunch tomorrow if you want?” 

“Uh-huh,” Ronan said, nodded. 

“I’ll have to look at my car at some point before I have to leave though,” Adam said, “Try and get it going again.” 

“Mm,” Ronan said. “Not right now.” 

“No,” Adam agreed.” 

“Let’s go inside,” Ronan said. 

“Okay,” Adam said, “Let me put the car hood down first.” 

Ronan released Adam, stayed where he was, scrunched on the wood steps while Adam walked over to the car, released the hood, clicked it back into place, put the tools onto the passenger seat of his shitbox. Came back to Ronan, stood in front of him, hand out, helped him up, kissed him gently on the lips. 

“Let’s go nap,” he suggested, “and then I’ll make you lunch?” 

Ronan snorted, feeling much more cheerful already, even with the tightness in his chest still lingering. “I’ll make lunch,” he said, “I don’t feel like burnt toasties.” 

“Fuck you,” Adam said, just as cheerful, “but I won’t argue.” 

  
  


-

Upstairs they coiled together, Adam pressed all along Ronan’s back, his stomach curved against Ronan’s spine, his arms holding tight. They slept, or, Ronan dozed, and Adam slept. Woke up still wrapped closely around each other. Somehow this clinch lessened the one inside Ronan’s chest, eased it out, opened his mouth. 

“I love you,” Ronan said into the pillow, eyes closed, mind focused on the feeling of Adam’s hand spread out against his stomach, rough finger tips pressing into softer skin. 

He hadn’t said this before. He had meant to. He had wanted to. Adam had said it to him. It was heavy in his mouth, heavy in his throat, heavy against the pillow. He needed it heavy in Adam’s ear. 

Adam kissed the back of his neck, shifted up slightly on his elbow, kissed his jaw, kissed his cheek. Ronan tipped his face upwards, Adam kissed his lips too. 

“I know,” Adam said. 

Ronan regretted making Adam watch Star Wars with him last month. Not very much though. He rolled over so Adam had better access to kissing. 

“I love you too,” Adam added, words pressed against Ronan’s mouth before being followed by another kiss. 

  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
